For several months here I have been so incredibly unsure of what it is I want. I mean in regards to pretty much everything. I spent my last few months in Australia constantly tossing around the idea of coming home early due to things really not going as planned. I'm glad I saw things out and think the time I did choose to come home was right, but coming home was exactly what I expected--an adjustment. Moving back in with the parents for the first time in six years was a huge change, being carless in LA where Public transport is something we all laugh at, seeing my ex-boyfriend for the first time since we broke up a year and a half later and just not traveling all coupled with not knowing what to do next. Now more than two months later, through a few bouts of depression and major uncertainty things are suddenly crystal clear. I know exactly what it is I want for the first time in so many months. There is a catch though, and a huge one, I can't have the two things I know would make me so incredibly happy.

Okay, you're probably thinking that's no surprize, it happens to us all or that well at least you can have one or maybe even life isn't about happiness so I'll explain further. My problem is this I'm 24 or will be shortly, that's young and I feel like I'm an intelligent talented individual with a lot to do in this lifetime. I'm also very much about the people in my life; I've always thought that it was the people I met more than the places I visited that made traveling for me. I'm in love you see and I know this is the kind of relationship that is for the longterm. I've been confused about the whole love thing and what I wanted for a while now, I even felt like I was in love with two people. So maybe this is a stupid thing to be blogging about on Matador but it does have to do with travel because the other thing I want--maybe it is more than want--the other thing I have to do, is keep traveling. There is something out there waiting for me. My contribution to the world is waiting for me. I just feel this pull, like that is my next step and I can't really make any other choice. I should add I don't really believe in the whole long distance thing either, at least not in this situation and another part of me feels like this is something I need to do alone. I did feel when I first arrived home that it would be nice to stay put for a year, have an apartment or something of my own again but I just know that isn't right. When I mentioned my dilemma to a friend and expressed my concerns about being unhappy if I chose to stay adn gave up my plans she made a bvery fitting comment. "It's not so much that if you stay here you won't be happy, " she said, "it's that you might not be self-fullfilled."

I never used to be the type of person who chose themselves over another person. The moment I got on that plane to England a year and a half ago all of that changed. Traveling made the world a whole lot bigger and the possibilities tremendous. My heart is breaking with knowing what it is I must do adn the risk I'm taking. This relationship may not be there someday when I'm ready for it, I've already put it on hold once. This may seem so silly but I guess I just believe that there aren't a million fish in the sea. I believe that who you choose to love is hugely important. Too I'm just so scared of leaving it all up to itself to work out. But someone else told me simply to "Trust." I think that especially applies when following your heart, I know what my heart is telling me and that's to go away again as planned in the fall even if my heart is also telling me who it is I want to spend my life with.

This is a pretty bold proclamation coming from me, I wonder what I'll think when I look back on this in a few weeks, months and years. Will I cringe, laugh, find myself overly naive and ridiculous or think that I was right? Probably all of the above at some point. Nothing is ever really cut and dry or black and white. One day it's raining and the next it's not. Things can change so quickly, we never can predict how things will turn out.