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I am no longer a "foreigner".
I am repatriated.
So why do I feel so alienated?
Isn't it funny how connections between friends, family, even potential lovers are diminished now that I'm back where I'm supposed to reside. It's like I'm myself again, and yet not my other self. My traveling self. My foreigner self. The one always putting his comfort on the line while doing something as simple as buying food or talking to a stranger. I would be noticed, even casually, and perhaps complemented on my appearance, the work I was doing to better another nation.
Not so anymore.
It's as though I need that reinforcement to just get through the day. To matter. To be seen by all and, above all, be unique. Over there, I'm the guy with the white face who knows how to get around in a "foreign" environment. I'm a runner. I'm educated. I have appeal to the opposite sex. And although those things are just as true at home as they were abroad, they're true of everyone. I go out on the trails and I see better, stronger athletes; I enjoy a long-awaited dinner at Whole Foods, and I overhear intelligent discussions on literature, poetry, travel, the arts; I venture into the bar scene on occasion, and all I see are the taller, smoother, the more attractive.
This experience isn't limited to those finding themselves repatriated after so many years. I oversee and hear so many people speaking of wanting someone in their lives, for the loneliness that plagues them to stop, to know that so many trials and years of waiting have not been in vain, for there is something about you appealing to one other, someone to help us, stay with us, care for us, look at us with wanting eyes. Why can't we all be thinking the same thoughts at the same time, as far as forging these connections are concerned? We're left with millions of disjointed, confused individuals who struggle with what they are doing, what might have been, every minute of every day. Cities of lonely people.
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This was an amazing post. Aside from its haunting title, I think that it bodes true for anyone that's struggled to find themselves--whether you're a traveler or not. I just got back to the Philippines (where I originally grew up) after traveling and living abroad for two years. I've come back different, yet at the same time, only I can tell. That "specialness" that comes with being abroad feels faded and the strangest part is that you've been gone, but its like you've come back exactly where you've left off. Everything has changed, but at the same time...
When I was living abroad/traveling I was different, but in the end, just like everyone else
When I'm back, I'm like everybody else, but different...
I guess that distinct feeling or "unique-ness" that comes with living somewhere else--maybe its physically standing out or even just a heightened version of yourself can be depressing to watch it slowly fade away. But then again, I think the truth that is has really not much to do with the exterior environment or the reception of other people to us, but maybe the confidence that comes with learning a new language, being completely independent, being more open to others and even, yourself is really what gives us that shiny gleam of happiness. Its just so easy to forget to tap into that aspect of ourselves when we're back home.
However, the one amazing thing about loneliness is that its the ultimate opportunity for self-reflection, renewal and growth.
I can completely understand your sentiment and applaud you for putting those emotions out there. It's very easy to miss that feeling of being the "different" one in the other country. I find that when I start to feel a bit depressed about not traveling. living, or "experiencing" life to the fullest abroad, I think about how lucky I am to have had enough of so many things to enable me to do that, and to know I can do it again in the future.
Don't underestimate the power of "enough." It is a concept that merits daily meditation.
Good luck finding yourself again...