i am incredibly disappointed. i have been wanting to post for quite a while now, and in the last 30 minutes thats exactly what i was working towards.
but alas, i pressed the back arrow by accident...
and we all know the rest of that story.

so instead of imparting all the philosophical, heart wrenching, mind boggeling and soul searching rambling that just disappeared- i will cut to the chase.

i was rambling about love. my perception towards, my longing for it, my desire to give it, my hate of its hurting power, my awe of its healing power, my cynicalness of it...and my ever changing definition of what exactly it is.
there was a time my greatest question regarding love was weather we (as society) had cheapened it...or made it too expensive. it the topic so unsettling because it, as a word, has become the ordinary, mundane, everyday life. or...is it because of its pedstal- this ideal, fairytale vision we have been imparted through disney and hollywood?

the other day i was thumbing through the journal i kept while in thailand. and my insight on love seemed to be most precious. and maybe that is why i still today long to return to the thai people, be in their presence and be their friend. i know i have experienced things like this all through life...but this simply makes my heart smile...

July 11, 2005- K.K. Thailand
"I talked to Josh and Adam last night. I think it will be very bittersweet to all of us when we leave. Josh said that even just 2 weeks ago he would have gone home. We are all in love with the Thai people. I think we have learned so much about being a friend. We've all had friend's all our lives- but our friendships here are so new to us. The concept and the action of sacrafice and love. Learning and simply longing- real heartfelt desire to step outside of ourselves and love on the Thai people. There is nothing about us that is the same...except maybe a universal desire, a soul searching fufillment of real love."

July 18, 2005- K.K. Thailand
"A scene that will live in my memory forever- me and Joy are in the back of P'Bui's truck as we pull away from the Udorn girls orphanage. Six to eight girls are waving goodbye and their fingers meet the dusty glass window and they begin to write L.O.V.E. in the dust. These are the little girls that we have just spent two days with. Hardly able to share a single word. They speak in Thai- We speak back in English. Neither understanding each other. But the language we could understand, was one of smiles and hugs. Playing tag and painting pictures. Forget language barriers...love conquers all. Where does compassion lie? My heart hurt at that instant- what of love do these girls know, or even experienced? They have been rejected by parents and families and the love they do receieve is from people like our group who pour ourselves out in a few days- hours we are there- and then- leave..."

and that, is what i desire. there are millions who are longing for love. i want to love them. i want to step outside myself, and the norm and give them a piece of myself. from the little lady across the street and my sister miles away to that child in trouble at school to those speaking in other tounges.
and yet, as i think these things. i question as to why it is that i so badly desire this. can it be sacraficial love when it is something that i personally desire to reach self satisfaction? where is my motive. does it matter. no matter how hard it is- i ultimatly know it is worth it. for a feeling of love is greater than all. to know that another's aching heart or even joyful heart has been touched. thats what i want to do- for the sake of their heart, and mine.

why does it seem as though this must be a dichotomy? though in reality, it can never be. i don't know that it was ever supposed to be.
it is another creation man has made. i dont think that love can be only sacraficial, for if there is nothing in return, a feeling of joy within our own hearts, it is merely void...

i've managed to ramble.
this is only the beginning :)

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