it has bothered me lately that i am so cynical.
i was not so, as a freshman entering college.
today my defense is that only the ignorant have an excuse to not be cynical...
and i would rather be cynical than ignorant.
but really....i do not care for either.

i wasn't cynical until i was shown through experience (including traveling around the US and the World),classroom discussion and text- that every social institution had lied to me. we are brought up in a world that is built on deception. the system of our government- politics- education- history- church- it seems as though each of these, in an overlapping form, have edited the truth and presented it to us as unaltered facts.
and there it lies...and lies =)

people have different reactions when presented the truth- it is the fact that there seems to be such distortion of the truth up until we gain this certain level of intelligence...or something...until they can't hide it anymore. then finally it starts to come out. but even as it surfaces...it is still through deception. it dosen't just come out like it is.

sometimes i wish that i were not so distrubed by the lies i have been told. and yet, at the same time i am incredibly annoyed that people seem to not care...or that they find it easier to continue on the way it is, probably for sanity's sake. which is understandable- i do feel defeated often, and i also worry about just simply the condition of my heart.
it is overflowing with compassion at times- and yet so hardened and bitter towards the lies. the liars. the lies that have quite honestly become socially constructed truth.
and that is the problem.
even the liars have been fooled, or fooled themselves into believing it is truth.
and just now, i realized how many people might read this and say truth is relative. . .
haha.
thats not what this is about.

so...all the text written up to this point was how i was feeling a few weeks ago. i've come back to visit what i wrote..and still feel...well...defeated. of course these are my thoughts much of the time. however, i mean, realistically speaking... so many of the things i am frusrated about is what keeps the world system going. it was not just created in one day...it has taken hundreds of years to evovle fully into what it is today. essentially the conclusion: i can not save the world in one day.
break down of the family...thanks capitalism. (for the people to more easily adhere to govermental and such powers, nuclear family was created to get rid of long ties of dependence upon the extended family and now we see this even within the nuclear)
the 'other'- once again thank you capitalism...well really the creation of a nation-state in general. which is really where the idea of 'the other' was popularized and really, utilized.
sugar and hamburgers- this may sound silly, but its true....these were not always staples to the standard diet. they were constructed in interest of the early economy. needs had to be created in order for people to consume- therefore- make them believe its a need- then the consumer is in your hand.
even things we praise as being inherently good. think about organ transplants. it is something we definetly see as a great advance for the human race. who doesnt want to "give the gift of life." what about the truth that there is a huge market of organs going from the periphery to the core. exploitation?
depression...anomie...they (early scientists and philosophers) called it...they saw it coming. the isolation of a mans soul...being constantly surrounded- yet always alone. never ending stimuli which really just numbs us.
perpetual growth creates something that will never be satisfied.
is it possible for the system to keep going. . .
at a point won't there be no room for growth?
once again my random thoughts...

i just can't help but wonder if all the progress could even maybe be a little bit worth the costs.
i do know i want to never stop traveling the world...i love my ipod...i really enjoy taking random drives with no destination in mind...and dammit i like chocolate and coffee....
all these things made possible for me, by my ancestors and theirs and the creation and continuation of...the consumer culture...