note: File this under "failed article submissions". After numerous publications came back and said "Focus on one area," this piece fell into the pit of unused writing. "P-shaw!" I said, "People need the whole of Europe to be summed into useful stereotypes! What do you know, National Geographic Traveler!"

:)

Anyway, it was a conglomeration of things I learned after 72 days there. Call me cynical. For what it's worth, enjoy!

-----------------------

The world is getting smaller. When I first traveled Europe, I thought I was incredibly special. Of course, I came from a town of 9,000; I was special. However, more and more people of all ages are coming to find that traversing a multitude of countries within the European Continent is an eye-opening and life changing experience. In support of this, I’d like to provide some useful insights that may save your life in this shrinking world; or at least help you pick where you want to go.

Getting there is half of the battle. The common misconception is that you have to fly to the location in Europe that you want to go. Forget that—public transportation and inter-country airlines are so advanced, all you have to worry about is getting to anywhere in the EU. Check prices on flights to Frankfurt, Dublin, Cork, London, Amsterdam, Paris or Copenhagen. Then look up small airlines like EasyJet or Ryanair. They offer Intra-Europe flights for sometimes as little as the taxes (about 20 Euro). Remember, it’s not the destination, but the journey.

Ireland is probably the best country for dipping your toe in the European pool. Though the indigenous people speak English, don't expect to understand anyone. Don't bother getting a map; a straight stretch of road--what few there are--will probably change names 4 times per kilometer. Instead, ask a local; you'll find that they'll drop everything to show you exactly where you're going by guiding you if necessary. Whether you're a drinker or not you'll have to get a Guinness on tap. The best way to avoid being overcharged for your Guinness is to take a good 4-5 “block” walk from the heavy tourist areas. More transportation is done by bus than train--Bus Eirann (Air-en) being the big one.

England is like the American east coast, only more expensive. Like Ireland, expect to pull out a translation book when speaking the native tongue. Not too many surprises in England, making it--again--a safe edge of the European pool in which one can dip a toe.

Spain can only be described as "hiding in plain sight". Being one of the larger countries in Western Europe you'd think you know more about it. But you don't, do you? Spain is generally cheaper than the rest of Western Europe. Madrid—the capital—is in the middle and Barcelona is on the Mediterranean. Despite beautiful cathedrals (read: Gaudi) and a colorful history that includes the infamous "inquisition", Spain has a surprisingly liberal culture. Damm is the beer of choice, but you'll find many fine selections at the local Carrefour. Your budget will go far in this little gem, especially if you take the train just outside of the cities.

Moving north, France is exactly what you’d expect—unless you’re traveling somewhere other than Paris or Lyon. You’ll undoubtedly want to see the sights, but beware; the Eiffel tower is always further away than it looks, so take a cab or bus. You’ll pay way too much for a bad cup of coffee, and way too little for excellent wine. Soak both up with the world’s finest baguette. “Red” beer has grenadine in it (note: this is a horrifying shock to true beer connoisseurs who are expecting a good “red” lager). Transportation is superb, provided you’re not in a car. The stench of body odor is not an insensitive stereotype; it’s a horrifying reality you’ll discover the moment you step off the train, bus, or plane. The convenient thing is that you can, apparently, piss wherever you want regardless of gender. Vive le France!

Germany is an impeccably clean place. In defiance of stereotypes however, punctuality is not as big of a concern we once thought. In fact, the only thing you can expect to see a German on time for is closing time. Train and bus transportation is fantastic. The roads are good too, but road signs are—at best—a nightmare. Expect a variety of excellent beers for relatively low cost. You will truly come to understand this the morning after. One little-known secret is that the Germans—in the South-east, at any rate—take ice cream very seriously. Plenty of remarkably clean walking paths snake like capillaries through the heart of any city; make use of them.

Luxembourg and Belgium are quaint in every sense of the word. In lieu of farmland or international commerce, I believe these two countries’ entire economies are based on visits to quaint castles and bed and breakfast stays. Flemmish is spoken in this region, a language with elements of French. Don’t bother; the aforementioned economic factors create plenty of English and German speakers.

The Netherlands seems to be a stark contrast to Belgium and Luxembourg. Remember that the Netherlands is an overall beautiful country whose government does not feel it necessary to make prostitution illegal. Contrary to popular belief marijuana is illegal, but “tolerated” in small amounts. A “Spring Break in Europe” image is created around the millions of high school and college graduates who flock here for that reason. This is a pity, as Amsterdam is renowned for its architecture, ancient city square, and being a questionable base of operations for a great many global corporations. These include banks, law firms, and a technology company that rhymes with “Crisco”.

Denmark is…what is Denmark? Can someone pay me to go there, so I can find out? According to the CIA World Fact Book, Denmark is a constitutional Monarchy. They’re a NATO member, and have been since 1947. I’d start your Denmarkian travels in Copenhagen, as 25% of the nation’s population lives there. Let me know what its like.

Italy shares a very similar trait with Ireland; everyone there has a relative in the U.S. Italy is more the image of true romance than France, with olive fields, vineyards, gondolas, beautiful coasts and excellent fashion—the ultimate female aphrodisiac. My wife says that the gelato is fantastic, and I suspect that the coffee is similar to France. Be weary of driving in Italy, I’m warned. The car alarm is apparently used as a parallel parking mechanism; get the insurance on your rental.

In closing, let me impart some universal knowledge that will help you in any country. Try and learn some of the language basics for every country you plan to go to, particularly “please,” “thank you,” and “I’ll take another.” For every huge, overpriced destination, there is a smaller, cheaper, and infinitely more fascinating alternative located within bus or train distance. Have fun, be careful. Bad situations look the same in any language, so when you’re out finding culture trust your gut instincts. In this shrinking world, all you have to do is be respectful and keep your wits about you and there’s almost no where you can’t go.