"Tourists don't know where they've been,travellers don't know where they're going."Paul Theroux

A
good mate of mine is a travel snob. I don't mean he only flies first
class and only stays in five star hotels - quite the opposite. His
snobbery is in the fact that he would NEVER do those things.

He
looks down his nose (or should that be up) at people who only travel
for a week and stay in all-inclusive resorts in Fiji or Mexico. To him,
travel must be difficult, dirty, possibly dangerous, but most
importantly - cheap.

Now don't get me wrong, pretty much all of
the travel I have ever done has been difficult, dirty, dangerous and
cheap but now I am getting older (and wiser) and I am starting to
wonder if there is merit in the easy, organised, pre-booked kind of
travel.

So how easy is it to go from being a traveller (what I
think I am) to a tourist (what I think they are)? I have compiled a
short 'to do' list to make the transformation easier:

1. Get rid of the backpack.Yes
it's probably just a symbolic gesture but the crappy old backpack that
has been around the world with me a few times will have to go. I will
miss the scent of clothes that haven't been able to be washed for two
weeks but I will get used to it. I will start shopping around for a
smart little bag with wheels on it. After all, I'm not going to be
climbing up waterfalls in some remote village in Morocco anymore now am
I?

2. Find someone to travel with.My
fiance will be very happy with this suggestion but very few 'tourists'
do it alone. For a start, the 5 star hotels that I am going to be
staying in will charge me twice as much with a single supplement anyway
so it just makes sense really. Plus, since I will be travelling to
notoriously dangerous cities like Singapore, Vancouver and Cabo San
Lucas, there is safety in numbers.

3. Start thinking hotels not hostels.No
more sleeping next to 15 other dirty scabby backpackers farting and
snoring their way through a cheap-rum induced sleep in some dorm
somewhere - no from now on it has be hotels, double rooms, no sleeping
bags, most likely no bed bugs and best of all no Japanese girls
rustling plastic shopping bags while they pack at 4am! (What is it
about plastic shoping bags inside people's backpacks??? I think they
should be banned from all hostels - not that i will care anymore...)

4. Source some extra money.Since
I will no longer be staying at places like the hostel in
Chichicastenango that charged me 80 cents (US) for the night, I am
going to need more cash - and lots of it. When you add in the private
transfers I am going to need to get me from the airport to the hotel,
mini-bar costs, tips to private tour guides and so on, it really starts
to add up.

5. Stop caring about the world, the environment, or any of the people living outside of my hotel.I
mean, who really needs them anyway? I will be so deliriously happy
sitting next to my massive pool in my massive hotel complex sipping
ridiculously expensive cocktails served to me by my massively underpaid
and exploited waitress, that I won't care what's going on outside the
fortified walls will I?

It will never occur to me how fortunate
I really am to live in a country where I take things like civil
liberties, personal security and the availability of affordable fresh
food and clean drinking water for granted.

I won't ever have to
get a sense of perspective that comes from discussing with a young
Colombian boy how his life was changed forever the day that rebel
guerillas slaughtered his whole family so that people in the first
world can have cheaper and more pure cocaine.

I won't care about any of that. Big pool, cocktails... remember?

So
that's it. Just five easy steps and I will easily transform myself from
traveller to tourist. My mate has it all wrong doesn't he? He can have
his impromptu dance lessons with local folk in the underground clubs
and fantastic street food and learning to speak another language by
haggling in markets over hand-woven hackysacks.

I'll take the massive swimming pool anyday.

Wouldn't you?